Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
