dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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