if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
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