I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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