I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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