Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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