I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
You just made me feel so damn special
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Randomize
