Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
