guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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