Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
