Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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