just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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