You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
i wish my penis had a tongue
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
