Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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