I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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