she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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