Will you blow on my dice?
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
