dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
whose parrot is this?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
