that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
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