Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize