Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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