dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
