Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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