When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
