I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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