Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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