Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize
