stop calling my apartment porn island.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
