I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
