I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
