My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
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