ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
