I'm laying in your front yard are you home
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
