his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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