The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize