my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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