woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
