dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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