I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
