The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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