If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Randomize
