I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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