chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Randomize
