Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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