News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
