R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
