You're so nebulous sometimes
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
