Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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