i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm like, not good at living.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
