I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
Randomize
