I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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