he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
