Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
you traded sex for a burrito?
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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