We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Randomize
