And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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