If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Randomize
