Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Micheal let me call him captain america while we fucked. It was awesome
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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