My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
You dont lie about slip and slides
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
