her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
