Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
