I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
