i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just sent this text using only my big toe
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
