I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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