I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
